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Cycling Monologues No 17 – The Fixie Rider

“So anyway I just bought a fixie I got it from some bloke off Ebay he was a courier but had to give it up doesn’t have any brakes of course and he crashed broke his neck he’s paralysed now so he’s not riding still one man’s sorrow is another man’s joy so they say ha ha it was only 200 quid he wanted 250 but I got the price down when I got there he didn’t have a choice what’s he gonna do with a fixie now I love it it’s got these really narrow handlebars he sawed them himself and no brakes obviously single gear 46 x 16 which is perfect for most things I might get some drop handlebars and use it on the track always fancied that and I’ll probably put a front calliper brake on it it’s illegal not to have a separate brake he knows that now ha ha didn’t get any insurance payout but people treat you different on a fixie like you’re a courier or something I’m growing my hair out so I can have a ponytail or a bun and my beard is coming along I might get a tattoo like a skull or a bat or a two headed snake or something I don’t know I’ve renamed my house Hoxton in homage you know this is real cycling weaving in and out of the traffic, ordinary flat pedals so you can step off easily, no helmet this is cycling like it used to be, you know retro and shit before carbon and gears and Di2 and Garmins and Strava and all that other crap we’re like knights of the road we are, some bloke in a white van nearly knocked me off going round the Old Street roundabout, cunt, the couriers and that look down on me with their poncey caps and their tattoos and nose rings and those messenger bags and wearing head-phones so they’re like almost deaf they think they’re so cool what’s so great about a fixie anyway there’s no gears so it’s a nightmare going up hills and those handlebars what’s that all about then they’re dead uncomfortable and no brakes that’s just silly no wonder he crashed serves him right I hate all that retro stuff anyway what’s wrong with carbon nothing you want my opinion I’m gonna put it on Ebay for 275 let some other mug bid for it waste his life riding on the track is boring anyway I fancy a Colnago who wants a beard anyway make you look like a poof.”

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