Diary of an Embezzler

February Wednesday Why should they have all the money? Life is so unfair. I’ve been here for 20 years and they walk all over me – do this, do that. And they laugh at me, I know it. I know I’m not stylish or pretty like the other girls but I’m not bad-looking. It wouldn’t be difficult and I’ve thought of a way – I could change some bank account details. They’d never guess and they never check and if they did check I’ve thought of a story. Why shouldn’t I? It’s only stealing if you get caught and it’s nobody’s money, not really. It’s company money and I’ve been with the company 20 years so I’ve got as much right to it as anyone else; more probably seeing as how I deal with the bank. But it’s wrong and I’ve never broken the law before. I got knocked off my bike yesterday on my way to work and my helmet cracked and I need a new one. Why should I have to pay that when I was on my way to work? Why isn’t the company paying for it? Friday I’m not going to do it. I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not a thief. Let someone else commit this fraud if they’re that desperate – I’m not going to risk everything just to get a few quid – what was I thinking? I must be mad. Anyway, it’ll be obvious it was me seeing I pay the bills and I deal with the bank and I process the BACS payments. Their security is rubbish really; most of the checks are around signing off how much is paid out but no-one really checks who it’s being paid to and there’s no real audit of the bank account. I think I could get away with it. Tuesday Mick lost his job. Those bastards, I knew this would happen. Fifteen years he’s been there only job he’s ever had and they’ve put the company into liquidation and he’ll be lucky if he gets a penny. How can someone treat people like that? My car’s packed up. It all comes at once, doesn’t it? They say bad news comes in threes so we’ll see what else goes wrong. I could solve all this at a stroke, just change a few numbers on a bank account. I can see how to do it but I’m not giving in to that temptation. Mick can get another job I know it. Wednesday I knew it, I bloody knew it. I said bad new comes in threes. The washing machine has packed up. That’s 250 quid up our shirts which we haven’t got and up to our necks on the bloody credit cards. This is a nightmare and it would be so easy to solve. I should talk to Mick but he’s so honest and vanilla everyone just takes advantage so. I’ll keep it to myself and maybe tell him after it’s all over. If it’s ever over. Thursday I’m going to do it tomorrow. I’ve got some invoices to pay and all I have to do is change the account payee to my details and then send the BACS. I need to get the BACS and the amount signed off but no-one ever checks the amount against the account – that’s my job so I’m safe. And when the client chases up payment I’ll just say the payment hasn’t gone through and pay it then. My boss isn’t going to remember which invoices were paid 3 weeks ago and if she does ask, I’ll just say it was missed off and she’ll believe me. I’m trusted. And why shouldn’t I be? I’ve done this job for 20 years and I’m honest as the day is long, as they say. I’d be offended if they didn’t trust me. Friday I didn’t go through with it. What is wrong with me? I had it all planned, all set. I knew the account numbers to change and I just couldn’t do it. My conscience got the better of me. But conscience doesn’t pay the mortgage and conscience doesn’t buy the food. I can’t go into Lidl and when the say ‘how do you want to pay?’ and say ‘conscience please.’ I mean I can’t see that happening. Mick’s been in bed most of the day. Fat lot of good that’ll do us. I know he’s depressed but there are limits and that doesn’t help any. Monday God, what a week-end. I was glad to get back to work. The car’s packed up so we couldn’t go anywhere, no washing machine so I ended up going to the laundrette – Christ that’s a depressing place; only poor people go to the laundrette and we’re poor all right. And Mick’s been moping about all week-end; he didn’t even bother getting dressed the slob and then had the bloody cheek to ask me to bring him breakfast in bed – like that’s going to solve anything. He didn’t even get dressed when Mum came round, just breezed in and out of the living room wearing these daggy old sweat pants with pee stains and a filthy T shirt with toothpaste stains on it and demanding a cup of tea and watching the football. Well if we don’t get sorted we’ll have to cancel the bloody Sky subscription ; that’ll learn him. And he’s smoking like a bloody chimney. We both are. Frankly, I’m glad to be at work. Can I do it this week? Will I have the nerve? I bloody well hope so. I’m sick of living like this. Wednesday The cat is sick and I’m going to have to take the little sod to the vet. He was sick twice in te night  – woke us up – and left big stains on the sofa and then this morning he had diarrhoea and it was all over the rug. God it stank. I can’t go on much longer. Of course Mick didn’t do anything to help, the bastard. ‘It’s your cat,’ he said. ‘You wanted it.’ He’s a cunt. Later £60 the vet cost. I paid on the credit card; I’m surprised it went through, I must be near my limit. I dreaded the machine freezing up and them saying ‘would you like to try a different card?’ in that condescending voice they have, like it’s never happened to them. I hope she gets diarrhoea and shits all over the rug, see how she likes it, treats me like dirt. And I had to walk all the way there and back with the cat in the basket, weights a ton. What a life. Thursday You’ll never guess what happened. The big boss, the owner of the company, he who must be obeyed, who we’re all supposed to bow and scrape to even though he calls me fat and takes the piss something rotten, asked me to do a transfer to him of £700000 because he’s buying another house. Just like that. And me who’s struggling with debt and a boyfriend who’s lost his job. Tell me, is that fair? Not from where I’m sitting. Friday I did it. Even now, sitting here writing this, my hands are shaking and my teeth are chattering like I’m cold and I keep thinking there’ll be a knock on the door any minute and I’ll be exposed. I had an invoice for one of our IT providers for just over £6000 and I changed their bank account details for mine and the BACS payment went through. I was shaking so much when I took the machine through for authorisation and I’m sure there was sweat on my face and I went red when I got the accountant’s signature on the paperwork. I was sure someone was going to ask about it, but everyone was busy with their own work and didn’t ask any questions. I’m about £1500 overdrawn so this will put me back in the black. Me and Mick have been together for 6 years but we have separate bank accounts. I suppose I’ll have to tell him sooner or later but we’ll see what turns up – who knows, maybe we won’t stay together. I think there’s often problems if the woman has money and the man doesn’t; men can’t handle that sort of thing. Tuesday I told Mick. I had to really. If I get the car sorted and buy a new washing machine and stuff, few presents, even he’s going to notice and ask questions so I decided to get it out of the way. He asked a load of questions and he thinks we should have more but then he would, it’s not his neck on the line, is it? He says he wants an iPhone 6. God, these people. All of a sudden he thinks it’s Christmas and I’m the goose lays the golden egg. Well. It’s not that simple. I might do a bit more though, just another few thousand. I don’t want to get greedy but what’s that saying, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb? Although I don’t want to be hanged at all obviously, but you know what I mean. Friday I did £3500 today but that’s it now, no more. I just needed to get back on my feet, buy a few bits – car fixed and that, I’m not going mad, that would be silly. Saturday I got Mick his iPhone 6. Well. Why not? He’s not such a bad bloke really and I suppose I love him. No, I do love him and he loves me. We went for a meal, only the Harvester – I wanted the salad bar (well that and the chicken and chips and the chocolate fudge cake with cream) – and it’s ages since we’ve been out. I bought Mick a new shirt and he had a new haircut – God, I fancied him tonight – and I got a top from Zara and some trousers (well, I got 3 pairs actually), and I had my nails done, the first time in ages, and my hair too. And we got £20 of lottery tickets and 10 scratch cards and did a big shop at Asda and really stocked up. We must of spent a grand at least – that iPhone was over £600 – but that’s it now, this was only about getting sorted, it’s not about getting rich. Sunday Mick checked our lottery tickets this morning and we won a grand! I’m over the moon. First we have all these problems, then I come in to some money (illegitimately, but still) and then I come into some money legitimately. Who know what life will throw at you next? Mick says £500 of it is his; he’s got a cheek. We went to the shops again – Selfridges – and I got a new hand-bag and some jewellery from Pandora – I love Pandora – and Mick got himself an iPad. So that’s his £500 gone then. We mustn’t go mad but a few necessities is okay. Monday I told the girls that I won some money on the lottery and of course it’s true – I did. I showed them the bag and the jewellery and they were happy for me. Well, why not? Why shouldn’t they be? They don’t know about the other thing of course and it’s none of their business. I don’t stick my nose in their life so why can’t they keep out of mine. I might do a bit more at the end of the week but that’ll be it. I’m not getting sucked in to something where people steal thousands. I’m not that sort of thief, what do you take me for? This is just a few bob to get me out of a hole – it’s not like I’m a career criminal or anything. Wednesday Mum knows. Well, she had to. She came round for tea and I don’t know, maybe me and Mick acted different or looked more relaxed or something I don’t know anyway we got talking over tea and I told her. I thought she’d be a bit shocked at her little girl doing something like that, but she wasn’t at all and we ended up compiling s ort of wish-list and she mentioned a cruise and Mick mentioned a motor-bike and I mentioned the Seychelles and then we all got a bit pissed on prosecco and she ended up staying the night. Thursday We were having breakfast this morning and Mum said, about the Seychelles then, when are you going? And I was like, I thought we were just joking around and she said she wasn’t joking about the cruise. I said we can’t afford all that and she said get some more then. That’s just being greedy though. Taking something ‘coz you need it is different from taking something just ‘coz you fancy it. Isn’t it? If you need it, that’s not really stealing is it, that’s more like a Robin Hood thing, taking form the rich and giving to the poor. And I am poor compared to these rich bastards so I’m just evening things up a bit. That’s fair enough, right? Friday What have I done? There was an invoice for £22000 and I just thought, well why not? It worked for the others so why not this? Christ, what have I done? I’m getting caught this time, I know it. How will I explain this away? A couple of thousand , that’s just a mistake, a slip of the pen, but £22000, that’s bit obvious, how do you hide that? Saturday I woke in the night sweating like a pig. The banks have rules around money-laundering and they flag up suspicious activity on your account and they’re bound to spot this. I’m done for. I’m going into work on Monday and confess and offer to pay it back. Maybe they won’t call the police. I mustn’t spend anything today, just so we can pay it back. Sunday Mick and I spent most of yesterday in bed, watching TV and eating. We got a pizza for lunch and we phoned Just Eat in the evening and got a Chinese. We ate that in bed as well and now the bed smells like oyster sauce and there’s bits of prawn cracker stuck to the sheets. It’s disgusting. Mick’s calmed me down a bit and says it will be fine; he says banks have a trigger amount where they start asking questions and he says he read somewhere that it’s £25000. I so hope he’s right. Monday I didn’t go to work today. Why shouldn’t I be off sick sometimes? God knows I work hard enough. Anyway, I am sick; that bloody Chinese gave me gut ache and I’ve had diarrhoea all night. Tuesday I’m still feeling rough. I didn’t go in. Mick ordered a 55” telly and a PlayStation and a load of games off Amazon. He says we’re going to be like the Kardashians. I think he’s mad. Are they thieves? Wednesday I felt better today so I went back. No-one’s said anything and nothing from the bank. Maybe it’s safe. Friday I played it by the book today. Processed all the invoices properly and paid them all to the right place. Keeping it cool. No point drawing attention to yourself. I’m getting worried about Mick though. He’s going mad online with buying stuff – just gadgets and toys really, like men do. And he ordered a Karcher pressure washer, I mean what a waste. He says he wants toc lean the patio – once a year he’ll use it, if that and the rest of the time it’ll be in the shed gathering dust and nesting spiders. He can be such a twat sometimes. But I suppose I love him. Wednesday I had a phone call from some companies chasing up payment. Some people can be really impatient. I spoke to my Supervisor and she said, ‘didn’t we pay that last week?’ and I said that I’d checked and hadn’t and she said better pay it straight-away then. It’s great to be trusted. Friday I did £9000 today from 2 invoices. I did £6000 to my bank account and £3000 to Mum’s so she can book her cruise. It’s a Mediterranean jobby, 9 days, outside cabin, looks nice. I’m getting good at this but I don’t want to get carried away. I’m not greedy. Saturday Mick asked me to marry him! I’m so happy. He says we should go the the Seychelles like I said I wanted. We’ve done it now, we’ve booked. I can’t wait. The Seychelles is expensive though and there’s no point doing it on the cheap; it’s a once in a lifetime thing. I don’t know where they are but it must be hot – the beaches are beautiful and there’s white sand and everything. I need to go back to Weight-Watchers, I want to be able to wear my bikini. Mick loves that. I’m gonna look my best for him. He could maybe lose a few pounds but it’s different for blokes, isn’t it. Still, he should cut down on the takeaways – we both should. Wednesday My sister called. How did she find out? It could only be Mum. I wish she’d kept her mouth shut. Soon the whole world will know including Uncle Tom Cobley and I’ve never liked him. She wants 10 grand. The cheek of these people, they just think they’re entitled to someone else’s hard-earned. Well, she can sing for it, the bitch, she’s not getting a penny. Thursday Mum came over. She’s booked her cruise and goes in 3 weeks. She said she didn’t have anything to wear so I gave her a cheque for a grand. Things are getting a bit carried away. She said Jenna’s been having a lot of problems with her husband. I say her ‘husband’ – I used to be with kevin (that pig) until he took up with her, so you can imagine we’re not best mates any more. Mum says Kev’s been knocking her about and she needs money to get away from him. I don’t believe it frankly – I think she just wants the money. Kev was never like that with me and if he’s been knocking her about she probably deserved it. Serves her right, the co. But I suppose I’ll have to do it, if only to keep Mum happy. Friday £14000. Is anyone suspecting anything? The accountant asked me about a couple of invoices today, including one that was paid to me. I gave her an explanation and she seemed satisfied. I need to make sure I’m careful and don’t take any risks. That’s what happens, isn’t it? People get reckless and they start taking risks and give themselves away. I’ve got to be careful and be on my guard. No big expenditure, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing ostentatious. Saturday Mick and me went shopping and got a few bits. I got 3 pairs of shoes and some tops and 4 bikinis ready for the Seychelles and a couple of decent suitcases. I’ve always had cheap rubbish luggage, so it was nice to get something with a bit of style for a change, a bit of flash. Mick got an Apple watch and some Bose noise cancelling headphones – he likes his gadgets and I like my clothes. Friday £7000. Otherwise a quiet week. Mick has not been looking for a job which worries me a bit. I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to retire on my money – we don’t have enough for that. I’ve transferred some money in to his account; otherwise my account is going to look a bit suspicious. I went to the Post Office and bought some Euros. They’ll be useful for when we go to Portugal and that and at least we won’t be tempted to spend them here. It’s great to have money. I’ve never had money before. It’s a good feeling. I’ve been adding it up and it’s just over £60000 I’ve had. God, what have I done? I’ll never be able to explain that away. I feel that I’m getting sucked in. Saturday We got a car today. I was careful though – it’s a Ford Focus, 4 years old, nothing flash. It’s a car any normal person would have, not an embezzler’s car. Mick’s had an idea. He wants to be an EBay trader. Work from home. Set up a little business. He could be onto something. He’ll need some advice setting up the business. I could do the books; I’ve got the skills and the experience. And we’re going to start a family. We’ve decided to get married in the Seychelles. I can’t wait. May Wednesday The business is in trouble and they’re making people redundant. I asked if I could have redundancy and they said no, my job is still needed. That is so unfair. I’ve been here over 20 years and a redundancy payment (even capped at the measly amount the Government sets) would give me about 10 grand. And I could really use that money. I seem to have more expenses now and we spend more now than we used to. If they’re not gonna pay me that redundancy I’m going to have to find other ways of getting it. Mick said I should just give in my notice and leave and we’ll do the EBay thing when we’re back from being married. I’m going to have to give 3 months notice. What if I have to do a big hand-over and they do a proper audit? Is it all going to come out? Friday I only did £8000 this week. I gave in my notice – they were shocked. No-one expects you to leave in this company, I think they just expect you to work until you drop. My back is playing up. I might need a bit of time off. I’ll need to brief someone what to do if anyone phones chasing up unpaid invoices. I’ll go in to do my second job. That’s what I call it now – my second job. It’s true. People ask me how we’ve got the money for this stuff and I say we had a win on the lottery (which is true) and I’ve got a second job (which is sort of true). I think I might have a claim against the company. I’ve had trouble with my hand from using the mouse all the time and I was reading this thing about repetitive strain injury – RSI, it’s called. These people owe me some money after all these years of service. Saturday We had a fabulous day. Me and Mick went up to town. First we went to Selfridges. I’ve always fancied some tiffany stuff but obviously couldn’t afford it before. I got a silver heart on a chain and a silver bracelet – it’s gorgeous – and then we went to the Apple store and Mick got a watch – he loves his Apple stuff and then we got a cab to Harrods and I got 4 pairs of shoes and Mick got a suit and 3 Hugo Boss shirts. We had lunch in one of the restaurants – £8.50 for a portion of chips, that’s outrageous, just daylight robbery, how do they get away with it? But we can afford it now. In the evening we went to Book of Mormon which was OK but I’m not religious and we got a cab home. Sunday I’ve been adding it all up and it’s about £120000 now. I don’t know how rich people manage to spend it all. There’s wads of cash just lying around the house. We can’t buy a new house; that would look suspicious and we have to be careful. I looked in the cupboard and there’s clothes and boxes of shoes which I got weeks ago and haven’t even opened yet. Mick’s got back into music and bought this turntable and a load of records; he says vinyl is better than a CD and streaming but it seems like a lot of faff to me. I prefer to just put the iPod on shuffle and listen to that or just do Spotify. I need to find out about money laundering. Can you just google it? I’ve opened different accounts so the money is spread around and I get it back if the bank goes bust or is a victim of fraud – there’s a lot of it about. There’s some in Mick’s account, some in Mum’s, some in Jenna’s but it still ads up. They really ought to make it easier for us. We went to John Lewis and bought a Dyson. Mick says a Henry is better and cheaper and with a Dyson you’re just paying for the name and the purple colour and a lot of marketing, but he never uses it anyway and I always wanted one, so why not? Monday I didn’t go to work today. Couldn’t be arsed. Mick phoned in for me and said I had women’s troubles. I spent most of the day in bed; I was tired. Mick ordered a load of vinyl off Amazon. Wednesday Back to work. Boring. Friday £12000 today. I opened an ISA. Sunday Another fabulous week-end. Last night we stayed at the Shard. £500 for the night but an amazing view and the breakfast was really nice. Friday Only £6000 today. I didn’t want to be greedy. It’s so nice to have money, no wonder everyone’s desperate for it. The trouble is everyone thinks they’re entitled to it, they don’t realise that it’s brains and hard work mostly. If they knew how hard I had to work to get to this position they’d give me a bit of respect. I’m not like that Kim Kardashian who did it all with a sex tape and a big bum – although my bum is all right and Mick wants to make a sex movie. Sunday Mick mentioned cosmetic surgery. I think he means boob job. I’ve always been happy with my boobs, what’s he on about? I think he’s looking at porn on the internet. He says he’s doing research for his EBay shop. Yeah, I bet. Friday £4000 toady. I bought some Kruggerands. Gold is supposed to be good investment. I’m not telling Mick about it; this can be my secret. Saturday Me and Mick had a big fight. I was vacuum cleaning in the living room with the Dyson and knocked Mick’s turntable and one of his records got scratched. God, you’d think the sky had fallen in the way he went on. I lost it then and called him a lazy sod, poncing off me. He pushed me and I fell over the Dyson and banged my head. He picked me up and gave me a big hug, but I don’t know, something’s changed. Okay, it wasn’t always great before when we were poor but there seems to be tension between us which we didn’t have before. I think money changes people and not always for the better. It hasn’t changed me but it’s changed him. Sunday We took Mum out for Sunday lunch to this posh hotel in Kent. It was a nice day. Mick and I are friends again. I love him really. Monday I didn’t go to work today; I felt awful. Mick phoned in and said women’s troubles only this time it was true. (He didn’t say that – I hope). Wednesday I ordered some more gold. The Kruggerands I bought last week have come. I’m not sure where to keep them. I might find out about a bank vault but you can’t be too careful; there’s a lot of thieves about. Friday I got some awkward questions today but I gave an explanation and everyone seems happy. Why has no-one noticed money going missing? The security in this place is a joke. People could be robbing them blind and they wouldn’t have a clue. Sunday Me and Mick went to Brighton for the week-end. We hired a Merc and stayed at the Grand Hotel which was nice but the breakfast could have been bigger. I think hiring a car is great. We can’t buy a flash car but we can try out different ones by hiring them and not have the hassle of trying to explain where we got a flash car from. Perfect. Tuesday I had my Tiffany stuff on today (I sort of forgot to take it off) and everyone was like, ‘how can you afford that?’ I said I’d had another win on the lottery which seemed to satisfy them. People can be so nosy. I wonder how many other people use a lottery win to cover up for their thieving? I bet there’s loads. Friday £7000. Sunday We went to Bath and hired a Maserati. Now there’s a car. I didn’t get all that Roman stuff though and there were a lot of homeless people and beggars. Why don’t they get a job and earn money like us normal people? The water smells. July Friday Today was my last day officially. But I’ve not been in for the last 2 weeks; I’ve been sick. I’ve submitted my RSI claim. I went to see these no win no fee lawyers and they reckon I’ve got a cast-iron case and should get at least £50000. With the way that company has treated me, it’s the least they should cough up. Bloody lawyers will take 25% – they’re just sharks and leeches. August Saturday The Seychelles was gorgeous and me and Mick are Mr and Mrs. I’m so happy. I’m pregnant. Tuesday There was a ring at the door. It’s the police. It’s all over. Wednesday Well, maybe not. They arrested me and I said no comment. They released me on bail pending further enquiries. Now I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see. Mick’s getting the EBay shop up and running. The company would have to take a civil action against me for return of the money and I’m not sure they’d want to do that. Fingers crossed. Good job I’m pregnant too – I read somewhere they don’t send pregnant women to jail.

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