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Harry Potter and the Order from Wiggle

Harry Potter sat in his room at Hogwarts surfing the internet on his iPad. Ron Weasley was lying on the bed gazing at the mirror on the ceiling while Hermione was sitting on the rug scrolling through her Garmin. ‘Have you heard of Wiggle?’ Harry said. ‘Professor Snape had one,’ said Hermione. ‘It’s a magic wand.’ ‘All wands are magic,’ said Harry. ‘Anyway this isn’t a wand; it’s a website for cycling stuff.’ ‘It’s not just cycling,’ said Ron. ‘They also do running and swimming and triathlon.’ ‘Shut up Ron,’ said Harry and Hermione in unison. Harry scrolled to the section with lights. The Knog Blinder rear light looked neat and it was only 19.99. ‘I’m buying a light’, said Harry. ‘Get a tea light,’ said Hermione. ‘They’re pretty.’ ‘I’m not getting a tea light. This is a rear light, USB charger, 44 lumens, 5 different modes, 50 hours in eco flash, 100% waterproof, gets good reviews.’ ‘Why do you want a rear light?’ said Ron. ‘You haven’t even got a bike.’ ‘Shut up Ron,’ said Harry and Hermione together and they giggled. Harry created an account and paid with Professor Dumbledore’s Paypal account which he had hacked earlier. A few days later… A DPD driver drew up at the gates of Hogwarts and rang the bell. The heavy gates swung open and there stood Hagrid, his giant frame astride a Giant frame, filling the doorway, his big bearded face staring down at the driver. ‘What do you want?’ he roared. ‘Package for Potter,’ said the driver. ‘Sign here Squire.’ He held out the little handheld device. Hagrid’s enormous hand closed around it and with his clumsy fingers he clasped the stylus and scribbled his name on the slippery surface. The driver peered at the screen. ‘What’s that say?’ he said. ‘Hagrid,’ said Hagrid. ‘Are you blind?’ ‘Is that a first name or a last name?’ ‘It’s a name,’ roared Hagrid. ‘Now get lost.’ ‘No need to be rude Squire,’ said the driver. ‘Just doing my job.’ Hagrid let out a terrible bellow and ran at the transit van and pushed it off the draw-bridge. It tumbled over and crashed to the ground far below, parcels scattering everywhere. ‘That was silly,’ said the driver. ‘I had a parcel for Hagrid.’ Hagrid found Harry playing Quidditch and gave him the parcel. Harry ripped it open, found the little packet of Haribo and gave it to Hagrid who put it straight in his mouth, plastic packet and all. Harry tore at the packaging but he could not open the plastic wrapped around the light. Hagrid tried but he also couldn’t get through the hard plastic. Malfoy came past. He couldn’t do it. Professor McGonnigle likewise tried and failed as did Professor Snape. ‘Anyone seen Voldemort?’ asked Harry. ‘He’s good at packaging.’ They went and found Voldemort who was sitting on the wall watching cat videos on his iPod Touch. Voldemort pointed at the packaging with his wand and whispered a spell. The package sprang open. ‘What was that spell?’ asked Harry. Voldemort said, ‘ That is a secret known to very few, Harry. And you are not one of them.’ Harry made a face. He attached the light to his cloak and switched it on. The bright red 44 lumen light pulsed through the gloom. Harry tried the different modes – standby, fast flash, organic flash slow, organic flash fast, eco flash. ‘Nice light,’ said Ron. ‘Shut up Ron,’ said Harry.

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