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What do those World Tour team sponsors actually do?

Movistar was formed in 1959 by Gregory Peck, a noted actor and keen cyclist who won an Oscar in 1962 for his performance as a big game hunter in To Kill a Mockingbird. He was 17th in the Tour of Flanders in 1960 where he rode under the name Styn van Whitevan. Katusha is a Russian non alcoholic vodka, often mixed with blackcurrant juice. In 2014 Lidl started importing Katusha into Britain where it is becoming very popular with Christian evangelists and some librarians. Orica is an Australian hair products company, Green is the marketing department for this colour while Edge is the lead guitarist of the hip hop band U2 and a keen cyclist. Giant Alpecin is a genetically modified plant developed in South Africa which is set to revolutionise the production of vegetables. It is high in mono di-glycerides and an excellent source of colonol which is used as an appetite suppressant. Tinkoff was named after Oleg Tinkoff, a Russian billionaire, self-publicist and part-time poet who in 2014 bought an original Peter Sagan for his private collection – it now hangs on the wall of his French villa and is occasionally exhibited at art festivals where it invariably takes second prize. Lampre is a small crustacean similar to a whelk, found only in the Venice lagoon, widely believed to induce colonic irrigation. They can be purchased in Aldi and are often served with Giant Alpecin and a glass of Katusha. BMC is an acronym for ‘Big Manchester City’ and is the marketing department for that football club. It is believed that every time Phil Liggett mentions BMC in his commentary a replica Man City shirt is sold in Aldi. Lotto Soudal is a Belgian washing powder designed to remove stains from the pads of cycling shorts. It is available exclusively at Aldi. LottoNL Jumbo is a Dutch wildlife conservation charity. It has saved 9 elephants since 2013 which are now on sale exclusively in Lidl or via click and collect. Astana makes chair lifts throughout Asia; they are designed to carry drugs up and down stairs. A Stana chairlift will soon be available from Aldi for 39.99. Etixx makes components for plumbers while QuickStep is a training company which works with armies and middle managers who wish to improve their marching skills. Sky is short for Blue Sky Thinking and is a creative advertising consultancy specialising in gibberish and drivel or ‘gib and driv’ as it is known in the trade. It is popular with bankers and painters and decorators. Trek organises long, intentionally boring walking holidays, mainly in the Lake District; it is popular with people who are single or lonely and preferably both. Ag2r promotes industrial action on behalf of French farmers while La Mondiale is a television channel similar to Eurosport which shows niche sports but, curiously, not cycling. IAM is an anagram of Mia and was developed to popularise this girl’s name. It has had some success – it is now the 27th most popular girl’s name in Luxembourg, up from 37th 2 years ago. FDJ stands for Free Derek Jones, a 39 year old hospital porter and part-time poet who was sentenced to 10 years in prison in 2009 in the Dominican Republic for having carnal relations with a Pinarello Dogma. He has always protested his innocence and says he was framed. However his comments in court: ‘I would never do a Pinarello; a Colnago though – that’s different’ did not endear him to the judge. Dimension Data develops data for use in the 5th dimension. Nothing has been seen before now but Lidl expects to start selling the data in 2017 from pallets in selected stores. Cannondale makes the mini Segways which are now being sold in Aldi. Garmin was a virtual world created by Terry Pratchett; it is now a computer game for the PS4 and available exclusively from Aldi.

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